damn mumblings won't leave my head!

Me and my Mumbles....

*Alright, WARNING sometimes I GET DEPRESSED and sometimes I MUST WRITE IT DOWN! In no way do these ramblings display my emotions in the big picture! Do not worry, cause in fact , I am a very emotionally stable woman!*

April 26, 2001

... How do I start this thing off? I've been sick for the past three days, basically moping about the house, trying to make others feel sorry for me. Do you ever do that when you're sick? It's like you need attention, you need that motherly figure to give you chicken noodle soup and tylenol and to take your temperature. Course all I got was... 'go sit in front of the television and zone out. You'll feel better.' At least I felt a little better. :)

I am about to bomb my physics unit. It started right about the time when I first got sick and I'll be getting back tomorrow to find that EVERYONE but ME knows whats going on. I feel like crying. This is going to go down in history as one of my worst science class ever, simply because I caught my neice's cold.

Eek, I think I'm starting to subsitute this thing for my journal... that's not a good thing. I want to record things on solid paper for future reference one day! Who knows...maybe I'm gonna be a famous writer/actress/singer and when I crash and burn in a drug/murder/suicide death...those will be the words people remind me by! .... on second thought, maybe it's good that I've stopped writing there.

Do you ever wonder if what you're doing is any good? I'm constantly questioning my validity as a writer or a singer or as an actor or as human, in general. I think that's my problem sometimes, I don't have the self-confidence to look at something and say, "yea, i did that, ain't it great?" They say your harshest critic is yourself, and it's true. OH GOD, that is SO true and I wish it weren't.

When I am writing something, I think it is the greatest thing I've done in my life. Whatever spews from my mind is what goes down on paper. I don't "brain-storm", "research", "study" my subject [unless its a research paper. that's different], i just write what's in my mind at the time. When I reread the stuff, I wonder how I could have ever thought that this was any good. In fact, what I have written is complete and utter bullshit! It doesn't deserve the disk space that it takes up, it's that bad!

But I also get compliments about what I do, which, I might add, I don't know how to take very well. I say thank you, but I also shrug and say, "I guess it was okay." or "It wasn't that great." I put my work down. I should just be happy and smile and say thank you! I should NOT put myself down in front of someone who's complimenting me!!!!!! Maybe I won't anymore... I just have to remember these kinds of things.

April 24, 2001

One boring day after another. The truth of the matter is... I hate everything ... well, almost everything about my life right now. I don't feel good about anything. I don't feel beautiful, smart, whitty, human. I think of myself right now as an entity that has nothing to do on earth. I get up, I go to school, I do my work and I am not noticed. I am there just so the class looks like its full.

Place your jokes onto this person, right here, because she will not listen, nor appear to care. She won't do anything about it either because she doesn't feel like she has the amount of fire power to win anything. Maybe it's true.

I have problems, like all other people, but I can't deal with them because I don't want to. It has to first fester in the back of my mind like an open wound and then slowly, it will begin to rot the rest of it away, until I am nothing anymore. Just a problem. Even then, I don't want to talk about it because it's embarrassing and nobody, especially me, wants to be embarrassed.

So, go ahead and place your jokes onto me. I'll take it lying down and then, when I am good and ready, I will explode. I'll vent to you and to all those who have done me wrong and then I'll go back to my regular calm. It's who I am and what I do. I can't change this, even if I wanted to. Take me to self-help groups, give me books, magazine articles, whatever and I will still feel like I'm doing a bad thing inside when I express my anger onto someone who might deserve it.

Aren't I a fucking joke?

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	Me and my Mumbles.... Alright, WARNING sometimes I GET DEPRESSED and sometimes I MUST WRITE IT DOWN! In no way do these ramblings display my emotions in the big picture! Do not worry, cause in fact , I am a very emotionally stable woman! April 26, 2001 ... How do I start this thing off? I've been sick for the past three days, basically moping about the house, trying to make others feel sorry for me. Do you ever do that when you're sick? It's like you need attention, you need that motherly figure to give you chicken noodle soup and tylenol and to take your temperature. Course all I got was... 'go sit in front of the television and zone out. You'll feel better.' At least I felt a little better. :) I am about to bomb my physics unit. It started right about the time when I first got sick and I'll be getting back tomorrow to find that EVERYONE but ME knows whats going on. I feel like crying. This is going to go down in history as one of my worst science class ever, simply because I caught my neice's cold. Eek, I think I'm starting to subsitute this thing for my journal... that's not a good thing. I want to record things on solid paper for future reference one day! Who knows...maybe I'm gonna be a famous writer/actress/singer and when I crash and burn in a drug/murder/suicide death...those will be the words people remind me by! .... on second thought, maybe it's good that I've stopped writing there. Do you ever wonder if what you're doing is any good? I'm constantly questioning my validity as a writer or a singer or as an actor or as human, in general. I think that's my problem sometimes, I don't have the self-confidence to look at something and say, "yea, i did that, ain't it great?" They say your harshest critic is yourself, and it's true. OH GOD, that is SO true and I wish it weren't. When I am writing something, I think it is the greatest thing I've done in my life. Whatever spews from my mind is what goes down on paper. I don't "brain-storm", "research", "study" my subject [unless its a research paper. that's different], i just write what's in my mind at the time. When I reread the stuff, I wonder how I could have ever thought that this was any good. In fact, what I have written is complete and utter bullshit! It doesn't deserve the disk space that it takes up, it's that bad! But I also get compliments about what I do, which, I might add, I don't know how to take very well. I say thank you, but I also shrug and say, "I guess it was okay." or "It wasn't that great." I put my work down. I should just be happy and smile and say thank you! I should NOT put myself down in front of someone who's complimenting me!!!!!! Maybe I won't anymore... I just have to remember these kinds of things. April 24, 2001 One boring day after another. The truth of the matter is... I hate everything ... well, almost everything about my life right now. I don't feel good about anything. I don't feel beautiful, smart, whitty, human. I think of myself right now as an entity that has nothing to do on earth. I get up, I go to school, I do my work and I am not noticed. I am there just so the class looks like its full. Place your jokes onto this person, right here, because she will not listen, nor appear to care. She won't do anything about it either because she doesn't feel like she has the amount of fire power to win anything. Maybe it's true. I have problems, like all other people, but I can't deal with them because I don't want to. It has to first fester in the back of my mind like an open wound and then slowly, it will begin to rot the rest of it away, until I am nothing anymore. Just a problem. Even then, I don't want to talk about it because it's embarrassing and nobody, especially me, wants to be embarrassed. So, go ahead and place your jokes onto me. I'll take it lying down and then, when I am good and ready, I will explode. I'll vent to you and to all those who have done me wrong and then I'll go back to my regular calm. It's who I am and what I do. I can't change this, even if I wanted to. Take me to self-help groups, give me books, magazine articles, whatever and I will still feel like I'm doing a bad thing inside when I express my anger onto someone who might deserve it. Aren't I a fucking joke? HOME